It’s Been a Year Since I’ve Rung the Damn Bell

And I’m still holding my breath

Author ringing the bell after cancer treatment

I didn’t even realize it was my first anniversary of ringing the damn bell until I was scrolling through pictures on my phone. It’s been one year since I sat in my infusion chair, crocheting a blanket to pass the time. It’s been one year since I’ve had a needle jab through my chest port, feeling the icy medicine flow through my body. It’s been a year since I saw the oncology nurses who checked on me and kept me alive. It’s been a year since I rang the damn bell.

And yet, I’m still waiting.

I’m still holding my breath.

I’m afraid to move too quickly because what if it’s not true? What if it’s not true that I’m officially done with cancer treatments?

What if…

What if it comes back…

I fear that I am still sick. I tread softly in this life just in case.

I celebrate…but not too loudly, just in case.

I whisper-share that I’m a survivor because it might not be true if I say it loud enough to hear.

When someone comments on my new curls, I smile and say thank you, not letting them know that they are a courtesy of my 12 weeks of chemo.